Stories We Tell Ourselves

Helene and I listened to Rob Lowe’s memoir, “Stories I Only Tell My Friends“, which I would highly recommend for any fan of Lowe, and to anyone who enjoys behind-the-scenes stories of people involved in film and TV.  He narrates the audiobook himself, which makes it a really fun listen.

 

Anyway, riffing a bit on that title, have you ever noticed how much the story you tell yourself about something affects how you think and act about it?

 

For example, I speak to and coach job seekers, and I will often hear a statement like “everyone is too busy to network with me.”

 

If you truly believe that, how will that affect your approach to networking, and whether you really try?  Yes, people are busy, but my experience is that even the busiest are willing to meet, or at least chat on the phone for a few minutes, if approached the right way.

 

Or if you are thinking of a career pivot, like I made twice, you may be blocked by the story that it will be so difficult to “fill in the blank” (replace your prior income, support your family, get clients for your new practice, …).  This can make it feel overwhelming, and you never fully consider the pivot.

 

What would happen if instead you focused on what you are so passionate about doing next, got really deep into all of the reasons you want to make the pivot, and then changed the story to this one?

 

What are ways in which I might approach this pivot so that it will “fill in the blank”?

 

This opens you up to a brainstorming approach, where you are seeking creative solutions instead of letting the initial story block your thinking.  That’s how I approached my two pivots.

 

So let me finish with a simple situation where I let a story get in my way:

 

Helene and I were on a bicycle trip with Vermont Bicycle Tours.  On the last day, there was going to be a long climb up a hill for something like a mile straight.  Throughout the weekend, the tour leaders said how long and difficult this part of the ride would be.  By the time we set out on the climb after lunch on Sunday, that story had gotten so deep into my head that I was completely psyched out by it.

 

I started up the hill, weaving back and forth across the road as one does to lessen the slope.  All was going pretty well, and I was making slow but steady progress.  And there was even one person in the group who was riding certain parts of it with his arms crossed across his chest, making it look like it was easy.

 

As we continued up the hill, people steadily dropped off their bikes and started walking.  It seemed like the uphills would go forever, and I kept thinking, “This is going to be such a long and difficult uphill, how far can I possibly go?”  The story about how long and hard it was kept playing over and over in my mind, until finally I  decided it wasn’t worth it and got off my bike.

 

I continued pushing my bike up the hill, and pretty soon came to the top.  At that point I realized I had been very close to finishing, and it would have taken very little additional effort to have done so.  I was so angry at myself for letting the story get into my head and keep me from achieving the summit – I could have felt like I really accomplished something difficult, instead of feeling like a failure for giving up!

 

So what stories have you told yourself that are holding you back from achieving something?