Last time we shared key principles for how to have a conversation that truly empowers the relationship when misunderstandings occur.
Now let’s look at a real-life workplace situation and how to apply those principles to create a better relationship result.
Scenario: Where’s Bill?
Let’s start with the anatomy of this conversation.
Let’s say you’ve asked Bill, one of your direct reports, to gather some key information for an important meeting you have tomorrow afternoon. You just found out about the meeting, so Bill needs to stay late to make this happen. You must have this information first thing in the morning in order to incorporate it into your presentation.
You come in early the next morning, surprised and disappointed that the information is not there. You see one of your other direct reports and ask her if she knew anything about the work Bill was doing. She replied that she saw Bill leaving frustrated at 5:30 pm. So Bill didn’t stay late and there is no evidence that the information is gathered. Bill is nowhere to be found.
The Anatomy of The Conversation
You are upset. You need to scramble to get ready for this meeting. An hour later, you realize Bill is in the office. You are furious and want to communicate a message in a not-so-friendly way. Before you go to speak with him, you take a few minutes to take yourself through the Reality Checklist.
You decide you need to talk to Bill and find out what happened. Here’s the way you may want to approach it:
1) “I need your help…”
This is better than saying, “We need to talk.” Or “I’ve got some concerns we need to discuss.” You don’t want to put the other person on the defensive right away.
“Bill, I need your help with something…”
2) Describe your perceptions of the behavior.
“…when I came in to see that the key information I needed
wasn’t there and that you didn’t stay late to do it …”
3) Describe what it meant to you and extend the benefit of the doubt.
This is VERY important. In order to build a strong relationship, we must give the benefit of the doubt. Plus, you may be glad you did this, because the facts may be different than what they appear!
“…I misinterpreted that to mean that you didn’t care and I know that’s not true…”
4) Seek clarification.
Be curious to hear their response, without pre-judging it.
“…and what I need from you is some clarity as to why this didn’t get done,
because I just don’t understand.”
This approach will help you effectively deal with misunderstandings and upsets that occur in the workplace. It’s honest, direct and yet supportive of the relationship. Try it next time upsets occur and see what happens.
A collaboration with David C Miller, Author of The Influential Actuary
I agree. It’s always best not to start off confrontational and negative. Listening is a difficult skill for most of us. The fact that Bill left early and frustrated says a lot. Maybe he couldn’t find the information and he gave up in frustration. It’s so important to hear from him and to continue working as a team to solve problems and to create a positive environment at work, where everyone is there for one another.
Great blog post. I am looking forward to more of your posts!
Thanks, Alice.
I agree – there’s so much we don’t know about what led Bill to leave early, and if we approach it in a confrontational manner, we may never truly get to the bottom of it. Plus, it will shape how he reacts and what he shares in the future.
I have worked in large organizations and been in a situation similar to your example. My style in an opening line is softer: Hey, Bill– did you get a chance to work on that ABC piece? (wait) OK, well [using relaxed body language] I need to be in a meeting about that shortly, so maybe you can help me with this a bit. What do you know about that question so far?
Interesting post. I look forward to more of yours.
Thanks, Kebba. A soft approach is generally more effective.
In this case, I’d be careful about not being TOO soft. We know Bill didn’t do what we expected, so “did you get a chance” might signal that it really wasn’t all that important.
Bill didn’t come through with the info, and perhaps just as concerning, hasn’t left an explanation and isn’t anywhere to be found, leaving me in the lurch for putting together my presentation in time for the meeting.
Perhaps something more like “Bill, I really needed that information before my meeting. You have always been someone I can rely on. Can you tell me what happened?”
Thanks for these tips on communication. I tend to be confrontational and defensive.
You’re welcome, Lily.
Very thoughtful. Thank you! Curious – What happened to Bill and what was his response?
By ‘real-life’, I meant that this represented what could really happen, not that this was an exact situation I faced, Wendy. Sorry for the confusion. There are so many possible scenarios that could explain it, such as:
– An emergency at home.
– A key source of the information being unavailable.
– Bill not truly understanding what it was he was expected to compile.
– Bill just getting tired and deciding it wasn’t worth putting more effort into it.
– Bill being fed up with feeling like these things are dropped in his lap at the last minute, he’s expected to stay late to do it, while his boss simply goes home on time.
If it’s one of the first two, my reaction is going to be very different than if it’s one of the last two.
And if it’s the last one, clearly I need to take a lot of responsibility for the relationship issue, and need to work on that going forward!