Avoid Pity Parties

I wrote recently about the dangers of venting in public.

 

What sometimes creeps up on us is a discussion started by others that turns into a venting session – a pity party.  I recommend gracefully exiting.

 

When you do get sucked into a pity party, it may feel good at first, because you are getting to release your frustrations.  But often it results in people seeing you as negative, impairing your reputation.

 

This can happen even if you don’t participate in the discussion to any meaningful extent.  How often do we get judged by who we hang around with?  If you spend time with Debbie Downers, some of that negative aura automatically rubs off on you.

 

This can be particularly problematic in a work setting, where executives who might not know you very well see you with those Debbie Downers, and simply assume you share their attitudes.  And once that happens, it can be hard to change that impression, especially with someone you don’t interact with a lot.  (I have personal experience with how hard it can be to change an unfair conclusion an executive reached based on untrue office scuttlebutt.)

 

It’s also a real problem for job seekers, where their reputation within their network makes so much difference in the hiring process.  You don’t want to become toxic to your network, who then are reluctant to make referrals or advocate on your behalf.  And after all, when was the last time you saw a hiring manager jump at the chance to hire the depressed?

 

I’m reminded of a time when a friend, who had high-level contacts throughout the technology world, told me about meeting a mutual contact. “Within 5 minutes I realized that she was one of the smartest engineers I had met, AND that I would not dare introduce her to any of his contacts.”  That was because she was extremely negative, complaining about employers and interviewers who she felt had wronged her.

 

Job Search Groups (often called career networking groups) can be a great place for job seekers to get support and expert advice.  And there will often be a certain amount of venting at those, which is OK as long as it’s brought back to the positive side of how you can be successful despite those issues, leaving things on a hopeful note.  But if it’s turning into a pity party, move on.

 

I once had a client invite me to speak at one of those, and as we left I told him it was essential that he never return.  Outside of my presentation, all the group wanted to do was go around the room and vent about all of the bad things that were going on with their searches and the market.  My client had already been out of work for two years and was totally discouraged, so he didn’t need any more of that!  We instead worked on getting him back in touch with all of the great things he had accomplished, and why an employer should be lucky to hire him.  Within a couple of months, he landed exactly the job he wanted, at the level he deserved.

 

So my advice is to keep your antennae tuned for when a situation or group seems to be headed into pity party territory, and quickly move on!

 

Can you think of an example of a pity party you’ve experienced?