Venting can be good for us. It releases the valve on the pressure cooker that holds our frustrations in check. It lets them out so we can reset a bit.
I recently wrote about some of the problems when we do it the wrong way or in the wrong venue. So now let’s look at ways to do it the right way.
1. Soften the rhetoric. For example, if you are in a career search, saying that “No one is landing jobs!” is an exaggeration that clearly expresses your frustration about your search, but also can create reactions like:
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- A listener trying to explain to you that there clearly are people landing, which likely will just stir you up more.
- The other person trying to change the subject or turning to someone else to chat with, since there really isn’t anywhere to go other than the above.
- Being tuned out, simply because they know that’s not literally true.
- The other launching into simplistic advice you’ve probably already heard many, many times.
What if you instead said something like, “I’m so frustrated that I’m not landing.”? That might lead to a more sympathetic ear and a more productive conversation.
2. Identify a small circle of trusted advisors to whom you can occasionally vent.
Make it clear to them ahead of time that sometimes you need to vent, and want them to simply serve as a sympathetic ear. This level-sets expectations the right way, so it doesn’t become an unpleasant surprise for them.
3. Do it 1-on-1.
If you have some advisors together, resist the urge to vent to the group. Let them see you as the generally positive, forward-looking person they would want to connect to others or serve as an advocate for.
Venting in a group setting will tend to color how they see you. Save the venting for when you have one of those advisors in a separate 1-on-1 conversation or setting.
4. Vent the right way
- Prepare them that you are about to vent, like “I just need to let off some steam for a minute.”
- Limit the amount of venting in any one session. Don’t let it turn into a pity party.
- Show that you are open to suggestions, if they have any.
- Give them permission in advance to tell you if it’s the wrong time for venting, or they feel you’re going too far, or are full of it (see #1 above).
- Try to finish on a positive note, like by telling them about some action you are taking, or at least thanking them for letting you vent.
5. Don’t abuse any one person too much.
If most of the times a particular advisor hears from you, you vent, pretty soon that advisor will see you as a negative person, and likely will start avoiding you. They will likely also stop serving as a person who can help you in your efforts, as they will be hesitant to introduce such a negative person to their contacts, or will feel a need to apologize to that contact in advance, weakening the introduction. So be sure to balance things out with them.
There is a particular tendency to share all of your frustrations with your spouse, real-time. After all, your relationship is built on being transparent with them, isn’t it? And they know you and should hear what you are going through, shouldn’t they?
Yes, but also think about the impact of hearing continual negative news about something over which they have no control. This can be particularly depressing to them, since there seems to be so little they can do to help you. I’ve several times done a workshop on the impact of a search on your family, and how to help with that, and one participant shared a strategy they had used that I thought was a great idea:
Instead of sharing each frustrating incident with his wife as they occurred, they got a sitter every weekend and went out for a 1-on-1. (Naturally he would share any positive news immediately rather than waiting for the weekend.)
During the 1-on-1, they would each have half the time. In his, he would share everything that was happening in his search, which would give him the freedom to vent as needed. In hers, she would share everything that had been going on in the family that week that he might have missed out on due to his focus on the search.
This brought them both up to speed with each other, while avoiding dragging her into the full roller coaster of ups and downs of the search that would increase her anxiety. They found this very therapeutic.
What do you think about all of this? Leave your thoughts below. And if you need to vent, just reach out – I can take it!
John, you make very important points. We need to be very careful about venting. Look at Prince Harry venting continuously over a 6-year period– he has no friends left because he is a complainer. The Brits call him a whinger, or the Ginger Whinger. I recommend journalling to my clients, as a substitute for talking it out. It’s amazing how powerful this is. And new ideas often fly in while we are journalling. The Notes section of your phone is always with you, so you can vent there anytime. Thanks for an important post.
Kebba: Journaling is a great idea. I rediscovered my Rocketbook a couple of weeks ago, and put it by my bed with a page labeled “Blog / Career Tips Ideas”. I now have a list of 25 possible topics on which I can write.
Hey John, I appreciate how you framed venting as something that needs intention, not suppression. Choosing the right time, place, and person makes all the difference between release and regret.
Thanks for giving us such a practical take on something we all do.
Florence: I’m glad you appreciated it – thanks for commenting!
Thanks for sharing this and highlighting several key points about venting and who you target your venting to. I have definitely been guilty of venting too much negative stuff to my significant other. I did discover this early enough not to have caused too much damage. It’s hard not to do since they are the person you trust the most and don’t judge you. Good points!
We tend to take for granted that our significant other is there for us when we need to vent. And they are. But when all they hear is the negative, it can start to do harm to the relationship, as you found.
It can be helpful to think of it like a bank account, where there need to be enough deposits to cover the withdrawals.